It has been a long time since I have written. I would like to say it is becuase I am BUSY - but that isn't a good reason. I would like to say it is because there hasn't been enough to write about - but that isn't true. I think the truth is that this life Mark and I have been given is hard and takes work. We have to live through things we don't want to. Things that are no fun to "blog" about. But at the same time we have times of great joy and overwhelming blessing. Those also can be hard to blog about in the shadow of great sorrow. We have been concentrating on living..... we have been reaching hard for the goal of making each day COUNT.
CATCH UP -
November and Thanksgiving came and went. Full of family and memories and really pretty good health for Mark (considering). To be all together with MARK'S WHOLE family around one table was a true blessing!
December was filled with more family memories and wonderful winter things. Christmas together with my family was a welcomed gift over last year! In our home, together, safe, joyful and mostly healthy! WONDERFUL!
January started out strong. Busy at work, boys back to school from Christmas break. New years resolutions, organization and goal setting.
It all came to a GRINDING halt when we got the news that our dear friend, Leland's cancer was back and so was the GVHD! They had fought so HARD and for SO long right beside us that is was devastating. They were so far away in Seattle.... it was rough. They were brave and strong and made the difficult decision to embrace the choice to switch to only comfort care and made a trip with their 3-year-old daughter to Disneyland to see the princesses. He truly powered through and after returning to Seattle one last time he MADE IT HOME. We were hoping for weeks to visit and "say goodbye" We only got 2 days and a few hours with him in the end. It was his wish, their plan together and Gods gift for Lee to be surrounded by friends and family in his own home to bravely, gracefully and peacefully take his final breaths.
The days and weeks that followed were a blur of sorrow mixed with relief. His fight was over. My dear friend and fellow cancer/transplant wife-warrior was also done with her cancer journey. She was done.... but she was alone. She was so brave and strong. She was also broken and still is. In some ways she always will be. Her faith is unwavering and she is COMMITTED to living joyfully and fully because God is with her, here baby girl needs her to and Lee wouldn't be happy with anything less! Remember her in your prayers. Her road is tough.
To quote an earlier post about another dear friends passing. The words apply:
"She is living my worst nightmare - one I have had to image living myself. She is often in my prayers and I am encouraged by her strength and unwavering faith... It has reminded Mark and I to LIVE. To not take for granted the time we have, that life is a gift and it is about serving others."
February was clouded with Lee's passing. It was hard to grasp. It was hard to fully process. I was numb and thankful for Mark's health all at the same time in a crazy bag of mixed emotions. After January my group of fellow transplant/cancer wives was now filled with beautiful, brave and faithful widows - and I was oh so sad and confused at the same time. My Mark was here and their husbands were not. God and I had many talks the weeks after Lee passed about what was fair and what I don't understand about his grace and the challenges of this life. I am working on peace - I'm working through the whys... but one thing I know for sure is I have Mark and each day need to love on him and remember to live-it-up with him!
By mid month we headed to San Diego on a vacation that was planned months before. It was wonderful family time. Best vacation ever! We are blessed! God is good. It was a fun-filled, schedule-packed 7 days that couldn't have been better. It will forever be in all 4 of our memory banks as a time when we were happy, healthy and blessed to be together.
March has been busy. Mark continues to feel better and continues to taper off his steroids. With little to no GVHD. Another past blog post quote, that still holds true:
"There are less days when I am fearful of the "odds" and "likely possible outcomes" always looking for "marked improvement" and more days of hope-filled, God given optimism and dreams of our future together -- and boy, does it feel GOOD!"
That brings us to April and to this night .... the eve of his 2 year leukemia anniversary.
As I look back I found this entry from last year:
Who knew our lives were changing forever?
"I
have wished many times that I could go back to the 7th of April 2012
and take a snap shot of my perspective of the future. A snip-it of my
outlook of our future without the fear and doubts I now have. Fears and
doubts that no matter how hard I try I cannot make go away completely. I
know that this is a dumb wish. We can't go back. Things happen in our
lives and they mold us and make us who we will be tomorrow. There is no hope in looking back. Hope is for today and for our future. But it would be nice sometimes to just go back to a time when I was ignorant to the fear, damage and heartache cancer brings into your life and never leaves even when the tests show no 'blast cells'."
2 YEARS IS A LONG TIME!
More time that I thought we would have together.
It is a long time to struggle and pray for a different future.
It is a long time to focus on taking it one day at a time.
YET
- it isn't long enough time to forget the pain of that first week -
after diagnosis. I still feel the pain in my stomach and the wave of grief
that comes over me brings tears to my eyes. Funny how time passes, you press forward, struggle,
grow, succeed, morn, thrive and live with faith but somethings will
forever be burned into your memory. We have come a long way in 2 years
and I am optimistic as we start another year as a Cancer SURVIVING
family! Mark is leading the way as our anchor, our hope, our daddy and love!
We are strong, joyful and looking with faith into the future. We
are going after our LIFE! We are rocking what we've got and never
forgetting GOD is GOOD and we are THANKFUL!
From last years post:
Year 1 - we were surviving.
"I decided I would give Leukemia one year of our life to mess up.... survive one year. We needed a plan and I knew it would be a long hike. I committed that I would do my best to stay positive and just keep holding on for one year - then I wanted progress and freedom from it all."
Year 2 - new goal: living with purpose.
Saying "YES" as much as I can, focus on experiencing life. We are going to check off our list things we want to do before our kids are grown and we are "old." (a relative term for us now) We are focusing on living - not surviving. It will be a choice we have to make each day, knowing the Holy Spirit is guiding and upholding us each step of the journey!
Year 3 - living for the LONG TERM.
It is time to face the facts people: Mark is reaching goals and beating the odds! Truly beating them. The doctors were honest about our chances of long-term survival and when others around us are proving those horrible odds to be true - Mark is BEATING THEM. He is getting stronger all the time. We still have challenges. There are things to overcome and wade through but we are doing it with our eyes fixed on a target that isn't just one day at a time or even one week. It is 2, 3, even 6 months ahead. It is:
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow!
Don't forget to be thankful this week. Take time to be silly, be happy. Give those things of this life that bring you down - only a small part of your time and attention. Fill the rest of your mind and heart with the "good" this life has to offer. Love on your family. Forgive those who bring you grief. Breathe deep and be generous. Play to your strengths and rock what you've got!
We decide who we will be each day: Bitter, angry, compromised and defeated by life's challenges - or filled with the joy from above, choosing to do what we know we should, even though we don't want to - knowing that the Lord will carry us and the result of our choice will lead us to a more rich life.
